The no contact rule: 5 tips for success

No contact is yeah…a bit of a buzzword. My theory is that is because it works.

Without fail the no contact rule is the thing that I see making the biggest difference in people’s breakup healing journeys. And while it may not be for everyone and there are of course exceptions to the rule, typically it is the game changer people who are in pain over their breakup need.

No contact is a form of radical self-love and it’s not easy, especially in the beginning. It can take a couple of weeks to really click. But if you can stay strong, it almost always pays off.

So — how do you stay strong? Here are five tips to make your no-contact commitment COUNT.

Tip #1: Know your WHY

“Going no-contact” will only work if you know why you are doing it. The very first thing I recommend is taking the time to think about what you want to achieve out of this goal.

Get out your journal or simply meditate on the question: “where do I want to be at the end of these three (six, etc) months?”

If you are in pain over your breakup it may be challenging to come up with anything beyond wanting to feel better. Drawing a blank? Here are some ideas to get you started:

  • Wanting to focus on work or school.
  • Accepting that you deserve the best and the relationship didn’t serve you.
  • Stopping an unhealthy cycle with your ex.
  • Letting the feelings of abandonment or rejection fade.
  • Making space for better things in your life.
  • Wanting your heart to heal.
  • Making space for someone new.
  • Allowing yourself the space you need to build a new chapter in life.

Tip #2: Journal it out

Another tip to help you stay out of contact with your ex is to dive deep into the processing of the relationship during this phase. Gaining clarity on what you are gaining by walking away will help you keep your resolve.

Accepting the reality of the relationship and the fact that it wasn’t serving you will help you to cut ties.

It is really, really hard to achieve acceptance while you still have contact with your ex. Each time you text them and get the endorphin hit you strengthen the connection rather than begin to cut ties.

Each time you talk or have sex you build things rather than deconstruct.

Processing while having time completely apart is such a powerful way to begin to move on.

Journaling is an embodied way to process a breakup because it involves the mind and the body so fully. Here’s how it works:

  • First, you have a thought or intention in your head
  • Then, you physically take your pen or keypad in your hands
  • Next, you move you hands while you connect with your head and get the thoughts out or work on achieving your intention
  • Optional: Journaling sometimes involves the last step of saying things out loud, sharing with a friend, or tearing up what you have written. It is a cathartic, effective way to learn about yourself and what has just taken place with the relationship.

Want some journal prompts or ideas to help you get into the zone? Start with the following:

#1: What didn’t work for me in our relationship:

#2: I resent that you…

#3: Dear future self,

#4: What I want for my future is:

#5: I deserve better because:

Tip #3: Get accountability

How will you hold yourself accountable for your no-contact commitment?

Lean into this — this is your opportunity to get super intentional about your healing. It is a big step toward accepting that the relationship is over. And therefore…it can be a bit rough.

Not sure where to begin? Here are some ways to add accountability to your no-contact commitment:

  • Commitment to yourself
  • Accountability from a coach
  • Buddy system with a friend
  • Talking to a counselor

And one last option…

Tip #4: Let your future self hold you accountable

Did you ever think a semi-abstract being could hold you accountable?

While abstract, committing to making your future self proud may be the easiest way to help you stay strong.

How do you want to look back on this time? What memories of how you dealt with your breakup do you want to have? If your future self were to chat with you about how you navigated things, what would you want them to say?

It may seem hard to conceptualize. But the more you do it, the easier it becomes and the more you will make decisions that you will be so proud of.

Remember, no contact is about your happiness. Your peace of mind. Your healing. Make your future self proud by showing up for yourself right now.

Tip #5: Remove reminders

My last tip for “keeping to no-contact” is to remove reminders of your ex and reminders about conversations with this person.

This especially applies to your phone. Isn’t that where the most temptation to contact your ex resides? Some ways to remove your ex and the very easy, in-the-moment access to them include:

  • Deleting or archiving text messages
  • Deleting photos or moving them to a Dropbox
  • Looking at your Facebook messenger and deleting or hiding messages
  • Blocking them on your social media apps
  • Deleting their phone number or at the very least changing their name so that if you see it it serves as a reminder of your resolve
  • **And last and definitely for those who are 1000% committed to this process: blocking their phone number

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